Rapidly penned and rapidly translated for the sake of j
:

1. INT / KITCHEN / DAY
Two numbered characters.

ONE
I’m going to write you a letter.

TWO
Why are you going to write me a letter, we’re both here.

ONE
I want to write you to tell you stuff.

(pause)

TWO
Is it about that girl again?

ONE
No.
(pause)
Just a bit.

TWO
How big a bit?

ONE
The whole letter.

TWO
Right.
(pause)
What’s her name?

ONE
Will you let me write?

TWO
I only asked what her name was.

ONE
Her name is Martha. Now will you let me write?

TWO
Absolutely.

ONE
Then you’ll read it.

TWO
Fine.

ONE
It wouldn’t be any good if i told you now.
(pause)
Then when you were to read it why would you read it?

TWO
I’m frightfully sorry, do carry on.
(pause)
I’m not even here.
(short pause)
By the way, that word is written with a ‘c’.
(pause)
You wrote it with an ‘s’.

ONE
Here is a ‘c’?

TWO
Here is an ‘s’.
(pause)
There is a ‘c’.

ONE
Here is a ‘c’?

TWO
There is a ‘c’.

ONE
Why are you correcting my spelling?

TWO
Because you’re writing to me.

ONE
You clearly understood what i wanted to say.

TWO
I might not have.

ONE
But you clearly understood.

TWO
I might not.
(pause)
If you didn’t know how to write that, you could write instead that you were going to kill yourself.

ONE
To kill myself?
(pause)
That makes it seem something bad.

TWO
Just trying to help.

ONE
And you did, thank you volumes.
(pause)
I’m going to “kill myself”, as your prefer, because of—

TWO
(interrupting ONE)
Martha.

ONE
Because of Martha, yes, thank you volumes again.
(pause)
Can I keep on writing now?

TWO
I’m not even here.

ONE
Good.

TWO
And i’m not even looking.

ONE
Better.

(pause)

TWO
And that isn’t spelt like that either.

ONE
What now?

TWO
Don’t turn against me for spelling ‘revolver’ wrongly.

ONE
I just wrote that.

TWO
If you didn’t know how to spell ‘revolver’ you could’ve written ‘gun’ or something.

ONE
You said you weren’t looking.

TWO
Cos with that written like that i don’t even know what’s going on.

ONE
You’ve just corrected my writing again.

TWO
As far as i know you could be talking about anything.

ONE
I’m going to kill myself! : what else could i be talking about?

TWO
I’m not even here.
(pause)
So you’re going to kill yourself, is that it?

ONE
Will you let me write?

TWO
Absolutely.

ONE
I can’t even write you one letter.

TWO
You write me everyday.

ONE
About different things.

TWO
That ciclically repeat with each day of the week.
(pause)
So on Wednesdays you’re going to kill yourself, followed by Thursdays when you’re not going to kill yourself after all and need some money and then on Fridays you need some money and you don’t even mention killing yourself cos it’s almost Saturday, which are the days in which you like the sun.
(pause)
Then come Sundays when you should like sun and you don’t, on Mondays your paintings suck, on Tuesdays nobody likes you and on Wednesdays you’re going to kill yourself.
(pause)
So today you’re going to kill yourself.

ONE
I am.

TWO
And is that because of that girl?

ONE
No.
(pause)
Just a bit.

TWO
How big a bit?
ONE
All of it.

TWO
What’s her name?

ONE
Her name is Martha.
(pause)
Now will you let me write?

TWO
I’m not even here. RC